Crushing On Hime
by Roxius
Summary: Aizen decides to address the concern that all 10 Espada have fallen in love with Inoue Orihime, but things immediately get out of hand. One-sided EspadaHime. Please R & R! FINAL CHAPTER UP.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: I should totally do a YamHime fic at some point...or better yet, Harribel X Orihime! :P

There's also a Blue's Clues reference.

* * *

_In the meeting room..._

"Yammy,"

"Ulquiorra,"

"Aaroniero,"

"Szayel,"

"Zommari,"

"Harribel,"

"Starrk,"

"Barragan,"

"Grimmjow,"

"Nnoitra,"

Clasping his hands together as he finished addressing the ten Espada before him, a tiny smile graced Aizen Sosuke's lips. "So, then...I have called you all here today because it has come to my attention that each and every one of you seem to have recently grown SPECIAL feelings for our 'guest', Inoue Orihime..."

Where as Tousen remained silent like usual, Gin was fighting back an incredibly powerful urge to burst out laughing.

Looking almost ashamed of himself, Starrk nodded his head to confirm his master's statement. "It is true, Aizen-sama," he replied in a tone of voice that was rather unusual for his lackluster personality, "She is incredibly beautiful, even for a human girl...that is something that not even you can deny..."

"There is also the fact that she has such a...a generously-sized bust," Harribel pointed out, a light tint of red forming on her tanned cheeks.

Aizen's expression softened slightly. "Hmm...she is quite well-endowed. That is true. She is also very beautiful. However, I would like you all to remember that she is going to be properly disposed of once her usefulness in completing my plan are fulfilled..."

A harsh silence befell all ten of the Espada. Their darling little Hime-chan...she was going to be disposed of when all was said and done? The very thought shook the Arrancar to their very cores. For a moment, Szayel seemed to be fully prepared to burst into tears.

"No!!! Forgive me for speaking out against you, boss, but you cannot do that! I've been looking for a suitable woman to be my queen for many decades...and I think she just might be the one! Allow me to have her!!!" Barragan remarked in all seriousness. Aaroniero snickered loudly from behind his cylinder-shaped mask.

"You stupid old man," Aaroniero chuckled, his voice wrapping around each word like a knife, "I know for a fact that she would sooner cut open her own throat than go to bed with you...keh heh heh..."

"WHY, YOU LITTLE-!!!"

Harribel shook her head, disappointed by the childish behavior her two fellow Espada were presenting. "You are both wrong. What that girl needs is a woman's touch...a touch that only I can provide her!"

"Hmph...you BETTER keep those greedy little hands of yours off'a her, you filthy dyke!!" Nnoitra snarled.

Harribel flashed a deadly glare in the 5th Espada's direction. "I think you're the one who BETTER keep their greedy little hands off of her...you perverted, bisexual rapist!!! Tesla still comes to me every night, complaining about the nightmares!!! You should feel disgusted with yourself!!"

Nnoitra slammed his fist on the table, nearly snapping his wrist in the process. "THEM'S FIGHTING WORDS, BITCH!!! AND DON'T YOU DARE INVOLVE TESLA IN THIS! HE'S MY BITCH, AND NO ONE ELSE'S!!! WHY THE HELL IS HE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT IT, ANYWAY?!!"

"I bet she'd be surprised to see the size of my 'rod'...heh heh heh..." Yammy chuckled under his breath. He lightly brushed his hand over his bulging crotch.

"..." As usual, Ulquiorra said nothing. He was, however, contemplating on paying a 'special' visit to Orihime later today.

"If I persuade her with sexual favors, she might allow me to experiment on her...koo hoo hoo..." Szayel muttered as he scribbled down his ideas in his handy-dandy notebook. He was fighting back the desire to masturbate.

Grimmjow and Zommari were too busy staring lovingly into each other's eyes to have anything to say.

Starrk had already left to go to the bathroom.

Aizen heaved a deep sigh of regret as he watched Harribel furiously pounce upon Nnoitra, her blade drawn. '...I probably should not have said anything at all...they've gone totally off-topic...'

By this point, Gin had already given in, and he rolled around on the tiled floor as he laughed his head off...


	2. PickUp Lines

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Titty Kubo does.

A/N: Since I seem to be a little dry on new fic ideas at the moment, I suppose I'll keep this fic going...

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"...I have an idea..."

For the first time since the beginning of the meeting, Kaname Tousen finally spoke up. All eyes immediately fell upon him as he coughed loudly into his fist. Even Aizen appeared to be mildly interested in hearing what his subordinate has to say. Gin was no longer laughing, and Starrk had already returned from the bathroom.

"I believe that a fair way to decide just which one of you truly deserves Inoue-san...is through a contest,"

"A...A contest?!!" Szayel gasped.

"Not just any contest, of course," Tousen paused for a moment, as if waiting for a flash of lightning to pass, "But a SEDUCTION contest..."

For a moment, a hushed silence befell the stunned Espada.

"H-Hold on a moment, Tousen-kun!" Gin suddenly cried out, "I think it's a rather interesting idea, but...do you really think Orihime-chan would be willing to go on a date with any of these freaks...?"

"HEY!! DON'T CALL US 'FREAKS'!!!" The Espada cried out in unison, with Zommari and Aaroniero being particularly loud.

Aizen's stern expression softened ever so slightly. "Tousen...that is a marvelous idea, but...don't you suppose it would be much easier to simply ask Orihime who she likes best?"

"Forgive me for saying this, Aizen-sama, but that would be a terrible idea," Tousen replied, visibly cringing at the thought of having to actually disagree with his beloved master.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because," Tousen continued, "Inoue-san is a rather indecisive girl, as most young women are at her age. She would require a considerable amount of time in considering her mate if we were to question her on which of the Espada she likes best, and even then, she might still have her doubts. She's the sort of girl who does not necessarily look for someone who is good in bed, but for someone who understands her and can make her feel special and wanted. Since love is obviously the most powerful force in the universe, it must be handled with extremely delicate care...so we must go about a certain method in obtaining her trust, and eventually, her affections..."

"SCREW ALL THAT RETARDED BULLSHIT YOU'RE SPOUTING!!!" Grimmjow roared at the top of his lungs, "I'LL JUST FORCE HER TO MAKE LOVE TO ME, GODDAMMIT!!!!"

Tousen nodded. "That's what I was getting to, Grimmjow. We cannot simply ASK her...we must CONVINCE her. We must make an attempt at manipulating her unique mind-set so that she will see one of you as a compatible lover!! That is why I suggested a contest; after all, only ONE of you can have Inoue-san..."

Szayel grimaced. 'Only one...'

Grimmjow smirked. 'Only one...'

Harribel crossed her arms tightly underneath her chest. 'Only one...'

Nnoitra chuckled to himself. 'Only one...'

Aaroniero sighed. 'As long as there's no sunlight around, I might have a chance...!'

Barragan grunted. 'Only one...'

Zommari's eyes remained glued to the floor. 'Only one...'

Starrk yawned into his palm. 'Only one...man, I'm sleepy...'

Ulquiorra blinked. 'Only one...'

Yammy cracked his knuckles. 'Only one...'

The very flames of determination itself seemed to arise around the Espada as they tossed apprehensive glares at one another. Once, they had worked together for a common goal in the name of Aizen-sama. Now, with the love of their beloved Orihime on the line, they were mortal enemies. Wonderweiss quickly took cover behind Tousen out of fear of being burned by the incredible amount of reiatsu accumulating in the air.

"The first challenge of the contest...PICK-UP LINES!!!"

Tousen took ten slips of paper out of his back-pocket, and placed them before the ten Espada. "To decide the order that we're going to proceed in for the next two challenges, we will need to see which one of you is capable of writing the best pick-up line...we will have Orihime herself be the judge..."

"Ooh! Oh oh oh!" Wonderweiss' bright-purple eyes lit up with excitement. Apparently, he wished to participate in this contest as well. Tousen did not see any harm in letting an autistic child try his hand at flirting, so he gave the blonde arrancar some blank paper and a pen.

"Just make sure to write neatly, okay?" Tousen whispered with a soft smile on his lips.

Wonderweiss nodded, drool trickling down the side of his chin. "Yaaaaaaah..."

It did not take long for the Espada to complete their objective, and they handed in their work with pleased expressions on their faces. Wonderweiss took a few minutes longer to scribble down his thoughts, but he eventually completed it as well. Aizen had never realized that love was such a troublesome process. Gin tried his best to stifle an oncoming yawn; he would rather go back to his room than stand around and watch this ridiculous charade.

"I'll just take a quick glance over these..." Tousen muttered to himself as he sorted the slips out into a random order.

"...Tousen..." Aizen muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Tousen gasped; he had forgotten the only noticeable characteristic that made him even slightly interesting. "Oh! That's right...I'm blind. I...uh, I better just bring these to Inoue-san, then..."

* * *

Inoue Orihime heaved a sigh as she sat on the edge of her flimsy bed, thoroughly bored out of her skull.

'Oh...I wish I could play Parcheesi with Tatsuki again...or something of that nature...'

The orange-haired girl jumped to her feet when she heard a loud knock on the door. She wasn't sure whether she should respond or not. Slowly, she began step backwards into the corner, wanting to get as far away as was possible at that moment. She didn't know if it was Aizen, or Grimmjow, or Ulquiorra, or one of those other horrid arrancar that live in this terrible place.

"...Inoue-san..."

Orihime gasped; it was that blind man, Kaname Tousen. "W...What is it?" she asked with a hint of difficulty. Although Tousen had done nothing to upset her, and he seemed a bit more pleasant than Gin or Aizen, she still couldn't risk letting her guard down. She couldn't trust any of these homicidal maniacs.

"Please read these. When you are done, tell me which of them you liked best..." Eleven small pieces of paper slipped out from underneath the doorway, and Orihime slowly picked them up. Each scrap had a single sentence written on it. All of the color rushed to Orihime's face when she realized that these were supposed to be pick-up lines.

"My stomach capacity ain't the only thing that's big!!!"

"I wouldn't mind falling asleep on you."

"Four boobs are better than two."

"I'll be the cat...and you'll be the catnip!"

"I got one hell of a tongue, baby...and it wants to get in your pants..."

"YOU PRETTY LIKE A BUTTERFLY."

"I really like you."

"Wanna go and make out in the shadows? The sun is our enemy!"

"Would you mind if I dissected your mother? I want to find out how she made an angel like you!"

"My Amor is the most pleasant in the world!"

"As your king, I order you to sleep with me!!"

Orihime was not even sure what to say; they were all so horribly bad. Still...she liked the one that called her 'pretty like a butterfly'; that was sweeter than any compliment Ichigo ever gave her. A few of them she really didn't understand, though. The last four were probably the most disturbing. Orihime was beginning to feel nauseous just from reading them over again.

"Well?" Tousen's voice asked on the other side of the door, "Which one of these most-likely atrocious pick-up lines tickled your fancy...?"

Orihime bit her lower lip. "Umm...well, I'll have to say...my favorite one was-"

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"It looks like Wonderweiss won the first challenge, you guys,"

"...WHAT THE FUCK?!!!"


	3. Dating Aaroniero

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Titty Kubo does.

A/N: If you don't know who Mr. Max Raabe is, look him up so you will be able to possess just a bit more useless information...

Also, I'm really torturing myself into writing more for this fic just to please you guys...so please be a little grateful, dammit!

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CHALLENGE 2/3: THE DATE

--------------------------

Current Score:

Yammy - 0

Starrk - 0

Barragan - 0

Harribel - 0

Ulquiorra - 0

Nnoitra - 0

Grimmjow - 0

Zommari - 0

Szayel - 0

Aaroniero - 0

Wonderweiss - 1

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As Gin completed writing down the scores on the blackboard, a scowl graced Szayel's lips. Like the other Espada, he was none too happy with the current progression of this contest.

ಠ_ಠ 'I still can't believe that damn brat actually won the first challenge...' ಠ_ಠ

The only fortunate thing was that since it was now Wonderweiss' bed-time, he was unable to participate any further in the competition. If he had been able to continue to participate, there would have been absolutely no chance for the others to win. Zommari also attempted to drop out, because he's such a wimp, but a well-placed kick to the crotch by his darling Aizen-sama sent him crawling straight back into the fray.

"Okey-dokey, then!" Gin clapped his hands together to signal for everyone's attention, "Since Tousen is busy telling Wonderweiss a bed-time story, he's left me in charge of proctoring the second challenge!!"

"Ah, great...we got fox-boy leading us now..." Yammy mumbled scornfully under his breath.

Gin chose to ignore having overheard Yammy's comment for now. "For this challenge, I have decided for each of you to have a chance on going on a small date with our lovely princess..."

Grimmjow began snickering to himself, his eyes practically alight with excitement.

"...BUT YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO RAPE HER." Gin added.

Grimmjow let out a sigh of defeat.

"Each date will only be 30 minutes," Gin explained, "You can take her wherever you wish in Hueco Mundo, but you CANNOT force yourself onto her, make any sexual advances towards her or make her upset in any shape or form. You also need to confess the exact reasons why you are attracted to her in the final three minutes of the date...understand?"

"W...What the hell?!" Nnoitra suddenly barked out, "What's with all these goddamn rules?!! Why don't we just have a free-for-all battle to see who's most worthy of Orihime's love!"

"That wouldn't be very fair for the lower-ranked Espada, now would it?" Gin replied.

"Feh! With the exception of ol' gramps here, the Espada seem to get more attractive-looking the higher the rank!"

"Ah...but Grimmjow is way better-looking than you, and he's Espada Sexta...you just look like a creepy pedophile rapist who torments his subordinates and gives them nightmares..." Harribel dully pointed out, her words laced with disdain.

"Holy shit, woman, just drop it about Tesla, okay?!! It was only one time! I was really drunk and really horny, and Tesla was basically asking for it with that tight little ass of his all out in the open! I mean...seriously!!" Nnoitra looked about ready to strangle someone, namely Harribel.

"YOU HEARTLESS SON OF A-"

Gin coughed loudly into his fist. "I would like both of you to be quiet...I have not finished telling you all the rules of the challenge yet..."

Yammy spat on the floor in annoyance. "WHAT?! THERE'S EVEN MORE OF THESE FUCKING RULES...?!!!"

Gin chuckled. "Yup! We're trying to cut down on the number of Espada for the last challenge, so whoever fails to fulfill the requirements I just mentioned will be disqualified from participating any further!!"

Even a pompous bastard like Barragan felt a bit unnerved after hearing that. 'SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT...THERE'S ACTUAL CONSEQUENCES THIS TIME INSTEAD OF JUST HUMILIATING OURSELVES?!'

"Anyway, we'll start from number 9 and go up from there...so, Aaroniero, you're first! Good luck!" For a moment, it appeared as if Gin was about to burst out laughing again, but he somehow succeeded in retaining his composure.

Aaroniero (currently possessing Kaien's face) gulped. 'Oh man...I really hope this works out well...if I fail here, it's over!!'

* * *

**_CHALLENGER 1: AARONIERO ARRURUERIE_**

Orihime was busily counting her own toes when she suddenly heard a knock on the door. She gasped; she sure was getting alot of visitors today!

"Who is it?" she asked sweetly.

"It is I, Noveno Espada Aaroniero Arruruerie..." replied a gruff voice.

"Wow...I've never heard of so many 'a's and 'r's used in a single name before!" Orihime exclaimed with astonishment.

Aaroniero was quiet for a moment. "...I'm coming in, okay?"

"Sure!!"

The door slowly creaked open, and the beams of light pouring into Orihime's room hit Aaroniero square in the face. His Kaien disguise melted away, and Orihime let out a ridiculously loud screech the moment she saw the Espada's true face. She lost consciousness soon after.

'My god! I didn't even get through the door yet and I already lost!!'

**_AARONIERO - DISQUALIFIED!!! NEXT UP...SZAYEL APORRO GRANZ!_**


	4. Dating Szayel

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Titty Kubo does.

A/N: Don't worry, all of you WonderHime fans; Wonderweiss will return to the competition at some point...!

* * *

**_CHALLENGER 2: SZAYEL APORRO GRANZ_**

Szayel looked quite pleased with himself as he and Orihime took their respective seats at the small dinner table. A single candle sat in the very center of the table, providing the only source of light in the pitch-black room. Orihime squirmed nervously in her seat, which only made Szayel's perverted grin stretch even wider. The orange-haired girl had not once looked the Octava Espada directly in the eye as of yet. Szayel planned on changing all of that and more, with only 18 minutes still left on the clock (it took a very, very long time to reach his section of the base).

"...Inoue-san...please look at me..."

For a moment, Orihime hesitated, but then she slowly raised her head. Dark-brown eyes met with amber ones. A gentle blush formed on Szayel's pale cheeks; Orihime truly was beautiful. If there was anyone close to true perfection in this world, it was her. Orihime said nothing, having been completely silent since their date had begun. As badly as he wished for her to speak, Szayel knew he could not force her into opening her mouth, lest he be disqualified from the competition.

"Would you like something to eat?" Szayel asked in an unnaturally soft tone.

Although Orihime did not respond to this question, Szayel snapped his fingers, and his two fraccion Lumina and Verona stepped out from within the shadowy darkness. Reaching out, Szayel tore off Lumina's entire head, killing it instantly. Although tears were trickling down the sides of Verona's face, she said nothing. Orihime watched on in complete horror as Szayel began to dig into the arrancar's head as if it were a pear. Blood and gray slime splattered all over the table, only increasing the queasiness Orihime felt in the pit of her stomach.

"So," Szayel asked in between ridiculously large bites, "Are you...going to eat?" He really wanted to make a joke on how his zanpakuto's name means 'You Will Fornicate' in Spanish, but he knew that would be way too risky.

"Uh...uh..." Orihime fidgeted again; there was just no way she could possibly participate in such a revolting dining session.

"I have been interested in you for quite some time, Inoue-san..." Szayel bashfully admitted. He had finally finished up his grotesque meal, much to Orihime's relief.

"R...Really..." It was the first true word Orihime had ever spoken to him. It literally made Szayel's nonexistent heart soar to hear her sweet, melodious voice.

"I love how you are just so close to being perfect...but still so far. If you would make me your husband, I would do everything in my power to make you a perfect being...I swear it on my life as a man of science," Szayel said this was a completely straight face, although Orihime had really hoped he was just joking. Verona had already taken this chance to run off.

Szayel glanced at his watch. 'Hmm...only a few minutes left...better hurry and spill my guts to her before I run outta time...'

"Can...can I go now? Please?" Orihime practically begged.

"No, in a moment," Szayel replied stiffly, and then he spoke in a calm voice, "Now listen, my dear Orihime...one of the real reasons I love you is because I am amazed at how large your breasts are for a human of your age...I wish to experiment on them!! I'm totally serious!"

"Ah...!" Orihime quickly covered her chest with her arms, although due to her impressive bust, it was a fruitless effort.

Szayel looked at his watch again. "Ah, looks like our time is unfortunately up, my darling Hime-chan! I hope to see you again soon...!" He clapped his hands once, and two small fraccion rushed in and quickly removed the table and chairs, leaving both Szayel and Orihime standing.

"Anyway, be careful of Mr. 7...he's up next...and he's one hell of a crazy mofo..." Szayel warned the orange-haired girl as he casually walked away.

Orihime blinked. 'Mr. 7...?'

**SZAYEL APORRO GRANZ HAS PASSED THE CHALLENGE!! UP NEXT...ZOMMARI LEROUX!!!**


	5. Dating Zommari

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: Thank you for all of the reviews so far! I really appreciate them...! It's basically one of the only things that keeps me going!

I am not racist in the slightest (I dislike certain people, not certain ethnic groups), I'm just using Zommari's paranoia regarding racial stereotypes as a joke, since he's the only black Espada...

* * *

**CHALLENGER 3: ZOMMARI LEROUX**

After participating in that horrific dinner with Szayel, Orihime had grown quite reluctant to spend any time at all with the other 8 Espada still waiting for her. However, when she initially tried to refuse, Gin threatened her with rather obscene language and gestures, so she had no choice but to continue playing along with this ridiculous charade for the sake of her own virginity. Even worse, she had no idea exactly WHY she was going on short 30-minute dates with all of them.

"Ah...hello there, Orihime-chan! I didn't see you come in!" Zommari chuckled softly, "I was just finishing up my daily BANZAI ritual to Aizen-sama..."

The chocolate-skinned arrancar kicked the half-eaten rabbit carcass off to the side as he ushered Orihime into his bedroom. Upon plopping her ass down on the edge of Zommari's lumpy white bed, the human girl took this chance to quickly glance around the room. Posters of Aizen were covering almost every conceivable corner of the walls, all of them staring back at her with that disturbing, emotionless gaze the real Aizen was so well-known for. A statue of Aizen made out of old chewing gum and twizzler sticks sat in the top-right section of the room. It was definitely not the most relaxing atmosphere Orihime had ever been in.

"Before we begin doing...whatever it is we're supposed to do," Zommari said, giving Orihime a rather serious glare, "I would like to specify a few things first...is that alright with you?"

"Uh...okay..." Orihime had no idea where Zommari was going with this.

"First of all, I do not like rap; I like classical music. Secondly, I am terrible at playing basketball, and I can't break-dance. Thirdly, I am allergic to anything that contains watermelon in it and I think KFC is disgusting and unhealthy. Finally, I was never apart of some gang back when I was still alive...did you get all of that? I'll write it down for you if you're confused."

Orihime swiftly nodded her head. "Y...Yeah...I think I got all of it..."

"...You don't think you're better than me just because I'm an arrancar and you're a human, do you?" Zommari asked, tilting his head slightly sideways. There was something menacing hidden behind those golden-yellow eyes of his.

"W-WHAT?! NO, OF COURSE NOT!! I...I DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE...OR HOLLOWS...LIKE THAT AT ALL!! I JUDGE PEOPLE BY THEIR ACTIONS, NOT THEIR APPEARANCES!!" Orihime desperately cried, waving her hands wildly in front of her face. Zommari seemed pleased with her answer, as he immediately turned around and began wiping down a bronze figurine of Aizen with a washcloth. Orihime nervously fiddled her fingers as she waited for something to happen. There was only about 18 minutes left on the clock now.

"...Do you believe in the Great Pumpkin?"

"Not really..."

"...Oh...I used to be the Great Pumpkin, you kow...back when I was a wee one..."

"Ah."

After another lengthy few minutes of silence, it appeared that their little 'date' (which was really nothing at all but pointless jabbering) was finally coming to an end. Handing Orihime a complementary 'Aizen-sama' sticker, Zommari began to push her out the door. He really needed to complete that ritual while the rabbit's blood was still fresh.

"I like you, Orihime, because Aizen-sama likes you. Whatever he likes, I like...except for KFC and watermelon. That's just how it works."

Before Orihime could even ask Zommari what he meant, she was thrown out into the hallway.

**_W...WHAT THE HELL?!! ZOMMARI LEROUX PASSED?! THIS WILL NOT BODE WELL FOR THE FUTURE OF ORIHIME'S LOVE LIFE..._**

**_NEXT UP...GRIMMJOW JAEGERJAQUEZ!!_**


	6. Dating Grimmjow

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

RANDOM DRABBLE:

Gin - "Hey, Aizen-sama...did you know that I-" (is suddenly stabbed in the back by Hanataro)

Aizen - "HOLY-" (is suddenly stabbed through the chest by Hanataro)

Tousen - "What the hell happened-" (is suddenly stabbed through the forehead by Hanataro)

HANATARO WINS!!!

They should totally sing that song from Portal at the end of the series...

* * *

**CHALLENGER 4: GRIMMJOW JAEGERJAQUEZ**

Orihime's jaw dropped the moment she laid her eyes upon the Sexta Espada. That rowdy, fierce, sharp-toothed arrancar...was actually wearing a suit, tie and all. He even slicked back his messy teal hair so as to make it look somewhat decent. One strand of hair hung limply in front of his face, giving him a hairdo similar to Aizen's. It was quite odd to see Grimmjow in such a fashion, but Orihime was pleased with it. He was already more attractive than the last three competitors in just his normal attire, but the fact he went and got dressed up like this only impressed her even more.

"G...Grimmjow..." Orihime brought a hand to her chest, unable to fully express her feelings at that moment. She wasn't exactly turned on or anything, but she was rather flattered.

"What?" Grimmjow snarled back at her, clearly embarrassed, "Look...can we just get this damn thing over already? God...I got some really important stuff I need to pick up down at the mailroom in an hour or so..."

"Oh? You guys get mail, too?"

"Yeah...I ordered a lotta porno mags, imported straight from the human world...so let's go already!! Nnoitra will snatch them up if I'm late!" Grimmjow turned his back to the orange-haired human and began making his way down the hall, just slowly enough for her to catch up.

Orihime suppressed a giggle of relief. 'That's right...Grimmjow just doesn't like to lose...he's not really interested in me...he's all dressed up because he's trying his best to come out on top, like always...'

Still, as she ran after the arrancar, she couldn't help but feel a small pang of disappointment deep in her heart...

* * *

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"

The Gillian's mask shattered to pieces the moment Grimmjow's fist connected with it. Moaning, the giant hollow collapsed backwards and sank into the sands. A pair of massive Adjuchas charged straight at the blue-haired man, only to be torn asunder by his massive claws. Blood splashed against Grimmjow's pale-white face as he laughed victoriously. There were mounds of dead bodies lying all around him. His suit was torn to pieces and his hair was a total mess. Orihime could only stare on, speechless, as Grimmjow viciously tore the mask off of a fallen Adjuchas and spat venomously in its face.

'...This is his idea of a date?' Orihime thought, bewildered.

"Oi! Woman! Come and heal my wounds!" Grimmjow barked, pointing at a large bleeding cut on his left temple.

Although she had no obligation to serve this man, Orihime wasted no time in rushing over to his side.

"...Why are you doing this? Killing all of these hollows like this?" Orihime asked as the bright-orange shield enveloped Grimmjow's entire body. All of the injuries Grimmjow possessed slowly faded away, as if they were never there.

"I'm killing them because it has been decreed so! I live to fight and destroy all of the bastards that dare to look down on me! That's why I need you," Grimmjow explained, "With your healing powers, I'll be able to fight forever! No one will ever be able to beat me!! Not that bastard Ulquiorra! Not that cocky asshole Tousen! Not that spoonhead Nnoitra! Not even that slippery son of a bitch Ichigo Kurosaki...!"

Orihime winced upon hearing Ichigo's name. "I...see..."

Noticing the look of great sadness resting on the young girl's face, Grimmjow's tone of voice suddenly softened. "Yeah...I think we're done here..."

"...Okay..."

"We gotta pick up some catnip on the way back, too...and could you help carry my porno mags back to my room? We still have about 15 minutes left..."

"Uh...s-sure..."

**GRIMMJOW HAS ACTUALLY PASSED THE CHALLENGE...DESPITE MENTALLY SCARRING ORIHIME FOR LIFE WITH PORNO MAGS! NEXT UP...IT'S NNOITRA JIRUGA!! **


	7. Dating Nnoitra

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: There was a bit of a mix-up when I had uploaded the Grimmjow chapter, so I apologize for that...

* * *

**CHALLENGER 5: NNOITRA JIRUGA**

The first thing Nnoitra did was hand Orihime a blade.

"...Huh?" Orihime blinked.

Nnoitra coughed into his fist for a moment before he began to speak. "If you defeat me...I'll let you walk away with both your life and virginity intact. If you don't, I get to rape you...and then kill you."

"W-WHAT?! BUT...BUT THERE'S NO POSSIBLE WAY I COULD WIN!!" Orihime cried. She could barely even wield the blade correctly as it is.

"...I know," Nnoitra hungrily licked his lips, showing off his ridiculously long tongue in the process. Cackling, he raised Santa Teresa high over his head. "Now come on...I haven't boned a living chick in quite some time..."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!" Orihime wasted no time in rushing off down the hall. Nnoitra sighed; she reminded him way too much of Nel...a really crappy version of Nel, anyway. Actually, it was probably only their incredible bust sizes that made them similar in his eye.

Either way, he had lost.

**NNOITRA JIRUGA HAS LOST THE CHALLENGE...HAVING ONLY LASTED TWO MORE MINUTES THAN AARONIERO DID. NEXT UP...ULQUIORRA CIFER!!**


	8. Dating Ulquiorra

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: Because you people are all so kind and generous with all of your reviews, today will be a double-chapter upload!

Although, the second update will NOT be Harribel's date...it's the 'BEHIND-THE-SCENES' intermission!!!

Because I have nothing better to do...really...I don't...I'm starting to think I've been writing this fic really badly lately...

* * *

**CHALLENGER 6: ULQUIORRA CIFER**

For the first time in his life as an arrancar, Ulquiorra felt as if butterflies were fluttering about within the confines of his stomach. Like all of the earlier competitors, Ulquiorra picked up Orihime at her room, and the two of them walked down the long hall in complete silence. As they turned the corner, Ulquiorra took a quick glance at Orihime, and he saw a tiny frown evident on her perfect little lips. He recognized that expression well; after all, he wore it himself every day.

"...Do you like Jimmy Eat World?" Ulquiorra decided to try and start a discussion.

Orihime shook her head. "I've...never heard of them..."

"I see...how about My Chemical Romance? I have all of their music..." Ulquiorra said with a hint of boasting in his words.

"Oh? You buy music from the human world?" Orihime asked. For a brief second, her eyes seemed to light up with excitement. She really did enjoy talking about her life back in Karakura Town, or at least life on Earth in general.

Ulqiorra shook his head. "Of course not, you fool. I download it off the Internet..."

"...Huh..."

"Besides," Ulquiorra continued in that deadpan tone of his, "Have you not looked at me as of late, girl? Do you really believe I would be able to walk through town with the features I possess being visible to all passerby...?"

Much to the Cuatro Espada's surprise, Orihime let out a soft giggle. "Yeah...I guess not! You kinda look like a clown! A sad clown!" she grinned.

"A...A sad clown?" Ulquiorra stared at his own palms, slightly mortified by the girl's description of his physical appearance.

Suddenly, Orihime had a startling notion. "...Hey, I just thought of something that might cheer you up! How about I give you a make-over?!"

Even someone as stoic as Ulquiorra was a bit unnerved upon hearing this. "A...A...A what now?"

"A make-over! I'll make you look all nice and happy, and then no one will be afraid of you ever again!!"

Ulquiorra's frown deepened. "But...I like it when they're afraid of me..."

"I used to do them alot with my friend Tatsuki, and she enjoyed them...although she cursed and screamed and begged and thrashed around alot afterwards..." Orihime had a blank look on her face.

"...That doesn't sound very good...I believe that I shall pass up the offer." Ulquiorra replied, but it seemed that Orihime wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

"Aww...c'mon, Ulqui-chan! It'll be fun!!"

"...ULQUI-CHAN?"

Practically giddy with joy, Orihime wrapped her hand (which was quite warm) around Ulquiorra's, and dragged him off back to her room...

* * *

_23 minutes later..._

"Okay...mmm...uh-huh...a little of blush right there...some mascara...okay, okay...there! I'm done!"

Ulquiorra sighed in relief; he had been sitting on the girl's bed for what felt like hours. "...Thank goodness..."

"Here's a mirror! How did I do?" Orihime asked as she handed the mirror over to Ulquiorra.

Had he been born a being of less composure, Ulquiorra would have surely let his jaw drop out of pure shock. However, he was above such things, and despite the rage steadily building up inside of him, he remained in his usual melancholic state.

His long, raven-black hair had been tied up into two pigtails, and streaks of black mascara ran along the edges of his eyes. The teal lines running down his pale-gray cheeks had been shaded in to be a bright neon-pink. The cheeks themselves were pink as well with blush, and bright-purple lipstick had been applied to his lips. There was even a goatee and toothbrush moustache scribbled on, albeit poorly, through the use of a black ink marker. There was also a large, bloody gash located on his right temple for some reason. He could barely even recognize himself anymore.

'I look...' Ulquiorra lightly touched the side of his face, '...like some crude rendition of Adolph Hitler's insane mother...'

"It really brings out the hopelessness in your eyes!" Orihime remarked with glee.

Ulquiorra had no idea what that even meant. At all.

"Anyway, Ulqui-chan...it looks like our date is almost over..." The orange-haired girl said as she glanced at her watch.

Ulquiorra fought back the urge to let out a sigh of relief. "Fantastic...the sooner I win this farcical competition, the sooner I will have you and I may finally learn the truth regarding human emotions..."

"Yes..." Orihime's expression became solemn.

Ulquiorra remained seated for a few more seconds. "Before I depart, girl, I would like to request something of you..."

"What is it?"

"...Please remove this revolting make-up from my face...NOW."

"Aww...really? But you look so nice, Ulqui-chan!"

Ulquiorra tossed a piercing glare in Orihime's direction.

"O-Okay...I'll take it off..."

**ULQUIORRA CIFER HAS PASSED THE CHALLENGE!!! NEXT UP...TIA HARRIBEL!!**


	9. BEHIND THE SCENES BREAK

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: It's been so fucking long since I've been able to write an actual fic besides this stupid little thing...god, I suck so much at this...I don't even think I'm interested in writing anymore...it's so boring...

By the way, M. Bison quote in here, too...

* * *

_In Gin's room.._

"Ku fu fu fu fu...I'm so damn glad we got all of these dates on tape..."

Gin chuckled softly under his breath as he leaned back in his chair, a replay of Ulquiorra's date playing on his big-screen TV.

Suddenly, the bedroom door swung open, and Tousen came charging in, wearing nothing but a pair of tiny, form-fitting orange boxers. Gin hadn't even once torn his eyes away from the screen as of yet; he figured he would be much less traumatized if he simply didn't look.

"Gin...I seem to have lost Wonderweiss,"

Gin shrugged his shoulders. "So? He's more than strong enough to take care of himself..."

"Yeah, but...the last thing I heard him mention was that he wanted to see 'the pretty buttefly lady'..." Tousen explained.

Despite all of their intelligence, it took the two ex-Shinigami a good five minutes before a horrid realization dawned upon them.

"...Who's he going after?"

"IT'S ORIHIME, YOU ANNOYING, FOX-EYED IDIOT!!!"

"...How do you know I have fox-eyes...?"

"Uh...uh...I don't because I'm blind! Duh!"

"Wait...what?! What're you saying-"

"Come on! We gotta find him before something terrible happens!"

"Right...right...although I don't understand why you're in your underwear, though..."

Tousen did not respond to this query, as he had already dashed off down the hallway. Shrugging his shoulders yet again, Gin followed after him...

* * *

As of this moment, only two of the Espada sat in the losers' circle: Nnoitra and Aaroniero (with Kaien's face).

"I can't believe I lost so quickly like that..." Nnoitra sighed into his palm.

"Ha! You think you lost without getting to do anything?!" Aaroniero snapped, "I didn't even make it past the doorway...!!"

"Feh...that was to be expected..."'

"WHAT?!!"

Nnoitra began picking his nose. "Anyway, I doubt Harribel's gonna pass. I mean, c'mon...they're BOTH women. That's hot as hell, but unfortunately, it doesn't happen too much in real life...at least with good-looking chicks, anyway..."

"Sun-Sun certainly won't be happy about this..." Aaroniero muttered under his breath.

"...Oh-hoh..." Nnoitra smiled that nauseatingly perverted sneer of his.

* * *

"...You passed?" Grimmjow asked.

Zommari nodded. "Yes."

"...You passed?"

"Yes."

"...You passed?!"

"Yes."

".....................................YOU PASSED?!!!"

"YES, I DID!!!"

Grimmjow gave Zommari a pat on the shoulder. "Good job."

"T-Thank you..." Zommari grinned sheepishly.

"I'm gonna kill you in the next challenge, though..."

"Ooooh..."

* * *

Szayel Aporro Granz let out a loud belch as he finished off devouring the rest of Verona.

"BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA...OHOHOHO...THIS IS DELICIOUS!!!"

* * *

"Dammit...I seem to be unable to remove the moustache..."

* * *


	10. Dating Harribel

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: This chapter was kind of difficult to write, considering Harribel doesn't exactly have the most boisterous personality...

* * *

**CHALLENGER 7: TIA HARRIBEL**

"Y-You know," Orihime spoke up, "I've never been on a date with another woman before...this is all kinda new for me,"

Harribel did not respond. Her light-green eyes remained staring straight forward as the two of them walked down the hallway.

Orihime sighed; out of all the dates so far, this one was probably the most awkward. She kept stealing quick, two-second glances at the blonde Espada's impressive bust; seeing those massive jugs actually made her feel a bit self-conscious about her own breasts. She instinctively crossed her arms over her chest, as if ashamed by its "puny" size compared to Harribel's.

"I hope you are not bothered by the fact that I am attracted to women, though..." Harribel suddenly spoke up; she had such a soft voice. Yet, there was something cold and deadly hidden behind her words.

It took Orihime a moment to muster up the courage to reply. "N-No...I'm perfectly fine with it! In fact, there was a girl back at my school who liked other girls, too! Her name was Chizuru...I think..."

"Really...?" Harribel raised an eyebrow, definitely interested in hearing more.

"Yeah. She used to hit on me alot, but I think it was really my best friend Tatsuki she had eyes for...I think she was trying to make her jealous or something..."

Harribel's eyes narrowed slightly. "I see...and just how exactly does she flirt with you?"

"Oh, well," Orihime thought about it for a moment, "She usually grabs my breasts and whispers things into my ear and stuff...! I grew accustomed to it pretty quickly."

"So...you LIKE being fondled?" Harribel asked.

Orihime shrugged. "Uh..I guess so," she meekly replied.

Taking that as a form of confirmation, Harribel reached out and gently placed a hand upon Orihime's left breast. It was soft, like a freshly-made pillow. All of the heat instantly rushed to Orihime's face; was she supposed to be enjoying this as much as she did right now? She tried to speak, but her throat suddenly ran dry. All she could was stare into Harribel's icy-cold eyes, wondering what was going to happen next.

"...Sorry," Her tanned cheeks a light shade of scarlet, Harribel quickly pulled her hand away. Orihime chuckled nervously.

"It's...it's alright..."

At that same exact moment, Apache, Mila-Rose and Sun-Sun were currently spying on the two women from behind the corner.

"I can't believe this..." Apache mumbled.

"I know," Mila-Rose agreed, "What does that busty little bitch have that we don't...?!"

Sun-Sun looked as if she were about ready to strangle Orihime. "That damn slut...she's trying to take MY Harribel-sama from me..."

Orihime took this time to quickly glance at her watch; they still had about 20 minutes left now. "So...what do you want to do now?" she asked.

All Harribel really wanted to do was make sweet, sweet love to this adorable human girl right then and there, but she knew that such a thing would get her disqualified. Since she hadn't planned out the whole date beforehand, she decided to just explain her reasons for loving Orihime, and then take her back to her room.

"Orihime...you are everything I could ever want in a woman...I love you so much..." Harribel whispered, gently brushing the back of her hand along Orihime's pale cheek.

"T-Thank you..." Orihime stammered back.

'I AM SO GONNA KILL THAT WHORE...!!!' Sun-Sun thought, grinding her teeth furiously.

Harribel leaned in a bit closer until she was speaking directly into Orihime's ear. "By the way," she said, "If things don't work out between us for some unexplicable reason, could you maybe introduce me to that lesbian friend of yours...? That Chizuru girl you mentioned earlier?"

For a moment, Orihime was about to dismiss the idea, but then she recalled Chizuru's preferences when it comes to other girls. "Yeah...I'll introduce you to her later on..."

**TIA HARRIBEL HAS PASSED THE CHALLENGE!!! NEXT UP...BARRAGAN LUISENBARN!**


	11. Dating Barragan

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: I just HAD to throw in a reference of that one certain fic in this chapter...

* * *

**CHALLENGER 8: BARRAGAN LUISENBARN**

As he slowly lumbered his way towards Orihime's cell, Barragan was busy making plans with his many fraccion on how they should handle the current situation.

"So...you're saying giving her gifts will be a bad idea?" Barragan grunted.

Ggio Vega nodded. "Yes. We have all come to a mutual agreement that it would be best to avoid a repeat of what happened when you attempted to make Harribel your queen a few weeks ago. Nirgge and Avirama are still in the infirmary after what that woman did to them, for Aizen's sake...!"

A scowl graced Barragan's chapped lips. "...That was before I found out she was a dyke."

"The correct, and more appropriate term you are looking for would be 'lesbian', boss. Tia Harribel is a bona-fide lesbian, and a bit of a pervert at that." Ggio remarked.

Barragan snarled at the small arrancar. "Why the hell are you even talking to me, anyway? You're just an ugly little buttwipe, not even...no, just BARELY good enough to lick my tennis shoes...which are very dirty, by the way!"

"Uh..." Ggio wasn't sure how to respond to that.

"NEVER MIND THAT! WE HAVE ARRIVED AT OUR DESTINATION!!" Barragan suddenly interjected. He rammed his large, calloused palm against the door several times, causing it to shatter. Poor Orihime was curled up in the corner, frightened out of her ditzy little mind. She hadn't prepared herself for this AT ALL. The elderly Espada scoffed as he slowly entered the room, his loyal fraccion following in after him.

Barragan turned to Ggio and pointed his index finger at Orihime. "That's her...right?"

"Yes," Ggio nodded, "That's her, boss..."

Barragan stared at Orihime for a few moments, and he frowned. "You know," he said, "I thought she was alot prettier than this...my mind must be going...I am rather disappointed..."

Ggio shrugged. "We can't all have it our way, boss."

"Actually, I can! Her floppy tits and timid disposition displease me greatly...I am no longer interested in this human girl! I like flat-chested girls with long braided hair and giant missiles! That is what I desire for a queen!!!" Barragan proclaimed loud enough for all to hear. Ggio nearly lost his lunch.

Orihime was a bit vague on the details, but she had a good idea on what was going on. 'Does this...does this mean I won't have to sell my body to this sleazy old geezer?'

"Let us go, men!" Barragan snapped his fingers, and they all piled out into the hallway, leaving Orihime in a thorough state of confusion.

**BARRAGAN LUISENBARN HAS DROPPED OUT OF THE COMPETITION!! NEXT UP...STARRK!! **


	12. Dating Starrk

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: This one and the Aaronerio ones were the only two I had planned out right from the beginning...this will either upset you, or shock you...or both. Or maybe neither. I don't know.

Also, why are there so many Starrk X Rukia fanfics?

* * *

**CHALLENGER 9: STARRK**

Orihime had been left in the dark since the beginning of the second-to-last date. The moment Starrk appeared in her room, he teleported the both of them onto the roof of Las Noches. Then, the Primera Espada laid back, put his hands behind his head, and stared up at the starry sky overhead. 10 minutes had already passed since then, and still not a word was said between them. If she looked off to the right, Orihime could see Lillinette enviously watching the two of them from afar.

Suddenly, the silence was broken. "Do you like stars...?" Starrk asked. He spoke in a soft tone of voice that had only been present with Harribel so far.

Orihime shrugged. "They're...okay, I guess. They're like really big nightlights; that's how I imagine them anyway,"

"Cool...I don't really feel like doing anything grandiose, so we're just gonna sit here and watch the stars..."

"Uh...alright..."

A few minutes passed.

"I'm tired..." Starrk mumbled under his breath. His eyelids were slowly growing heavier.

Orihime raised her head. "Really?"

"Yeah...I think I'm gonna take a nap..." Starrk yawned, and closed his eyes. Soon, his gentle snoring filled the air. Lillinette slapped her palm to her face. She couldn't believe how stupid her male counterpart was.

Orihime waited for something to happen. Nothing did.

"GODDAMMIT, STARRK!! WAKE THE FUCK UP!! YOU'RE GONNA LOSE IF YOU KEEP LAZING AROUND LIKE THIS!!!!" Lillinette suddenly charged over and smashed her foot as hard as she could into the Espada's crotch. That only caused him to lose consciousness, however, as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. The two girls stared at each other for a moment. A small Hollow bird flew by overhead.

"Uh...kissy kissy?" Lillinette asked bashfully.

Orihime shook her head.

In the end, the remaining time flew by without a hitch, and Starrk missed out on confessing his reasons for loving Orihime.

**IN AN UNEXPECTED TWIST, STARRK HAS FAILED THE CHALLENGE! NEXT UP, THE FINAL CONTESTANT...YAMMY RIALGO!!!**


	13. Dating Yammy

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: I apologize intensely for the last chapter...it was really crappy...and I'm still a bit unsure of what to have happen for the final challenge, too...

* * *

**CHALLENGER 10: YAMMY RIALGO**

The last thing Orihime ever expected from a cruel brute like Yammy Rialgo was for him to come waltzing into her room wearing a black suit, a top hat, a monocle, and carrying a cane. Yet, here he was.

"Good evening, madam..." Yammy said in a deep voice, bowing his head slightly forward.

Orihime didn't even know what to say. "Uh...uh..."

"Is something the matter?" He spoke like a true gentleman. It was as if the Yammy prior to this had never even existed.

"Err...aren't you number 10 in the Espada? How come you're going now?" Orihime asked.

Yammy was quite for a moment, and then he let out a soft chuckle. "Ah, yes...you see, in my natural form, I am indeed the weakest member of the Espada. However, upon unleashing my Zanpakuto, my spiritual power rises to a point where I surpass even that dullard Starrk...!!"

Orihime's mouth fell agape. 'Damn...!'

"Ah, well...easy come, easy go...shall we make haste to the dining room?" Yammy held out a gloved hand, waiting for the much-smaller woman to take it. Still feeling a bit uneasy by Yammy's sudden change of personality, Orihime placed her tiny hand upon his, and she was whisked away down the hall. However, as they were running, Yammy accidentally slipped on an inconveniently-placed banana peel.

"AHHHH!!!!"

"KYAAAAAH?!!"

Falling flat on his face, Yammy threw Orihime straight into the wall beside him. A loud crunch was heard, and the orange-haired girl collapsed backwards, blood gushing out of her broken nose. She was unconscious, as well.

"Uh-oh...oh, shit...oh, shit...oh, shit..." Yammy looked around to make sure no one saw him, and he quickly ran off in the opposite direction.

Nnoitra and Aaroniero sneered to themselves from within the shadows; their little obstacle had worked perfectly...

**YAMMY HAS FAILED THE CHALLENGE!!! THE SECOND CHALLENGE HAS FINALLY COME TO AN END...OR HAS IT?**


	14. Foreboding

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: This is another 'in-between' chapter, and it sets up more stuff for what's to come...

* * *

_The next day..._

"Well, then...congratulations to everyone who has passed the second challenge!" Gin Ichimaru exclaimed as the remaining contestants piled into the meeting room early that morning. The losers were currently nowhere to be seen. Tousen was still busy searching for Wonderweiss, and the fact that Las Noches was so freaking huge didn't help. Aizen had also decided to sleep in today, too.

"I'm a bit surprised that someone as handsome and rugged as Starrk failed..." Ulquiorra remarked.

"Ha! You think he's handsome and rugged?!" Grimmjow snickered, "...You're a fag!"

"DON'T GO SAYING SHIT ABOUT ME THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE, SEXTA, OR I WILL CUT OFF YOUR BALLS." Ulquiorra shot back, his melancholic expression holding a hidden malice behind it. Grimmjow immediately shut up. He had forgotten that Ulquiorra was always rather grumpy before he took his Ritalin in the morning.

Harribel glanced to the right, and saw Zommari standing there with a perturbed look on his face. "Umm...is he okay?" she asked aloud to no one in particular.

"Oh, he'll be fine," Szayel replied, "He's just in a state of total shock after learning he had actually beaten the top two Espada at something..."

"...I see."

Gin slowly looked around the room at the five Espada before him, nodding to each of them. "Alright, then...shall we begin?! This is the final challenge!!!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, at that same time..._

"DAMN THEM!! DAMN THEM ALL!!!!"

Nnoitra roared furiously as he slammed his fist into the wall as hard as he could. Standing behind him were all of the others that had failed to pass, which were really only Starrk, Barragan, Aaroniero and Yammy. None of them looked pleased in the slightest. The air was heavy with the stench of murderous intent, most of it coming from Nnoitra since he neglected to take a shower right after waking up. Yammy was still wearing his top hat, for some reason.

"This is unacceptable! I cannot accept this! This is something that I will never accept! Accepting this is not an option!"

"...Calm the hell down..." Starrk mumbled, his physical state currently drifting somewhere between wide awake and totally conked out.

"No, YOU need to calm the hell down! This COURT needs to calm the hell down! That DOG needs to calm the hell down! My MOTHER needs to calm the hell down! Adam FUCKING Sandler needs to calm the hell down!!!" Nnoitra snapped back, his face red.

"Now that you've said that, I can totally picture Adam Sandler playing you in a live-action movie, for some reason...or maybe Billy Idol..."

"SHUT THE HELL UP!!!"

Aaroniero took a step forward, and decided to put in his two cents on the situation. "Instead of simply standing here trying to look serious while listening to you gripe like a baby, we should do something about it! We should...sabotage the competition!!!"

Nnoitra was silent for a few seconds, and then a toothy grin spread out on his pale-white face.

"That sounds good," he cackled lucidly, "And, since I'm much better than you in every way, I shall be the one who leads the group in search of revenge...!"

"Hey, what about me?! I'm stronger than you!!! I should be the leader!" Barragan suddenly interjected.

Nnoitra scoffed. "Old man, you dropped out of the competition on your accord! Why the hell do you care about who gets Orihime or not?!"

"I DON'T!! IT'S JUST THE FACT THAT I'M THE KING, SO I GET TO LEAD EVERYTHING!!! THAT'S HOW IT IS!!!"

'Great...only a few seconds into forming our rebellion, and already someone speaks out against me...' Nnoitra rolled his eyes.

Yammy coughed into his fist. "I don't know much about politics or nuttin', but...shouldn't Starrk be the leader, though? I mean, he's even stronger than you, Barragan..."

"FEH! LOOK AT THAT LAZY-ASS PUNK!!! HE'S NOT FIT TO LEAD US!!!" Barragan glanced over his shoulder at Starrk; the Primera Espada was curled up on the floor in fetal position, snoozing peacefully.

'Maybe we should just play Mario Kart instead...'

* * *

Orihime winced as she lightly tapped her throbbing nose, which was wrapped heavily in bandages. She had no recollection of exactly how it happened, but her nose had been nearly shattered apart during the final date. Fortunately, it wasn't bleeding anymore. It was a bit disconcerting that she was unable to use her own powers to heal herself.

'Ooh...I help this heals soon...it really hurts...'

Suddenly, the door of her cell slowly creaked open. Orihime gasped as she watched a small, hunched figure shuffle inside. It was a boy with light-blonde hair and bright purple eyes. He had freckles on both of his cheeks, and a slight overbite. He stared at Orihime with an empty expression. For some reason, Orihime began to feel incredibly uneasy. She had no idea who this boy was, and although he wasn't one of the Espada, she could tell with just a glance that he was probably more dangerous than even Starrk.

"P...Pretty Butterfly Lady..." he slowly reached a hand out, and Orihime suddenly felt herself sinking into darkness. Her throat was closing in on her, and her eyesight was fading. She opened her mouth to scream, but nothing would come out. The arrancar boy drew closer. His lips curled upwards into a nasty sneer.

Then...all was quiet.

The jail cell was empty, and Orihime was gone.


	15. Rescue Hime

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

"Ugh...my head..."

The moment Orihime came to, she realized that something was definitely off. She tried to raise her left hand, only to see that it had been chained to a thin, white pole. The only source of light in the room was a tiny television set sitting in the corner, an old episode of the Flintstones playing loudly on the screen. The blonde boy from earlier was sitting in front of the TV, chuckling softly to himself as he ate a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios drowned in low-fat milk. Orihime had no idea what the hell was going on.

"Umm...hello?" Orihime said.

The blonde arrancar swerved around in response to his human captive's call. He smiled deviously. His buck teeth gleamed brightly despite the darkness. He slowly placed the bowl on the floor. He pushed himself up to a stand, and tapped the tip of his nose. His expression suddenly became very serious.

"Hello there...Inoue Orihime," he said in a thick German accent.

Orihime gasped. "You...you can talk?!!"

"Yes...and my name is Wonderweiss Margera..."

"Wonderweiss Margera..." Orihime played with the name for a few seconds, muttering it over and over under her breath. It was a rather odd name, to be sure.

"I have brought you here, to my humble abode, to pronounce my ever-lasting love to you in private!" Wonderweiss admitted with a shrug of his shoulders. Orihime nearly choked on her own spit.

"L-L-LOVE...?!!"

Wonderweiss rolled his eyes. "Yes, of course! What with everyone else confessing their feelings, I saw it as only fair that I had a chance as well!! Why else would I degrade myself as to act like an autistic child and call you 'Pretty Butterfly Lady'?! I did all of that so the others would be unaware of my scheming! I find it revolting on how they all drool over you like slobbering dogs...I am much more refined!! I KIDNAP the women I like!"

"Wait a minute!" Orihime cried out, "Are you saying that the OTHERS are in love with me, as well...?"

Wonderweiss stared at Orihime as if she had just sprouted several heads. "YOU MEAN YOU NEVER REALIZED IT?!!! YOU WENT ON A DATE WITH EACH OF THEM!!! THEY TOLD YOU WHY THEY LIKED YOU!!! THAT UGLY FAT GUY PUT ON A FRICKIN' SUIT FOR YOU, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!"

"...You mean Yammy?"

"Yeah! Whatever his name is! I'm better than him anyway, so I don't care for his name!! The only names I ever bother remembering are Daddy Tousen's, Aizen-sama's and my own!!"

'Wow...this autistic kid is one arrogant bastard...' Orihime thought.

"In any case," Wonderweiss continued, "I have grown tired of this little competition, and have decided to personally bring it to a premature end by taking you captive and keeping you all to myself. Since I happen to possess even more power than the Primera Espada, there is no way I can be opposed. Only Daddy Tousen and I know of this location, so it's a safe bet to say that we'll never be found..."

"But you just said Tousen knows this location...he'll be able to find us..." Orihime pointed out this obvious flaw in Wonderweiss' explanation. Surprisingly, the blonde arrancar boy simply chuckled.

"No matter. Once I'm through with you, I will simply kill you...and knowing Daddy Tousen like I do, they'll most certainly be much too late to save you..." Wonderweiss licked his lips hungrily.

Orihime felt a nauseating sensation arise in the pit of her stomach; this definitely wasn't going to end well for her...

* * *

"...WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T PLAN OUT THE LAST CHALLENGE BEFOREHAND, YOU GODDAMN, CHEAP, FOX-FACED, TALENTLESS, BIG-BOOB-HATING, SLIT-EYED, SWORD-SHOOTING, BYE-BYEING PIECE OF SHIT?!!!"

Gin's face was turning a dark shade of blue as Grimmjow's grip around his neck tightened slightly. "I...I...uhhh...I..."

"Just let him go, Grimmjow! You're not making things any easier!" Harribel snapped at him. Normally, Grimmjow would have simply ignored her like he ignored every other "ignorant" bitch he ever met, but since she was three ranks above him, he reluctantly followed her order. It took Gin a few minutes before he was finally able to regain his breath.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry! I just got so caught up in the humor that I forgot!!" Gin exclaimed, rubbing at his aching throat.

Grimmjow was not pleased in the slightest. "WELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, THEN?!!"

"Hold on! I'll thinka somethin'!!"

Suddenly, Kaname Tousen came rushing into the room, his face drenched with sweat. "I CAN'T FIND WONDERWEISS...OR ORIHIME!! THEY'RE BOTH GONE!!!" he cried. The remaining Espada let out a unified gasp of horror. Zommari almost fainted.

"That's it!" Gin had a massive burst of inspiration, "Whoever finds and rescues Orihime first will be the victor! THAT'S the challenge!!"

Aizen popped his head in from behind the corner. "Did you guys leave yet?"

Thus...the final leg of the competition officially begins!!!


	16. Searching For Hime Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: Old Man Vs. Old Man...Shark-Woman VS. A Freckled Bitch and a Bisexual Girl In Glasses...Two Random Dudes At The Bar Vs. Starrk...Bleach is getting either really awesome or really suckish lately.

Also, I've noticed that if you go to any fics involving Love Aikawa, none of them actually have to do with said person, except for maybe one or two...it just shows how some people really don't pay any attention...-_-;

This chapter did not turn out so well, since I didn't have my whole heart in it...the next chapter will be better (or worse), I promise...

* * *

_Up in the Northern part of Las Noches..._

Nnoitra and Yammy had just played through their 5th round of Mario Kart Wii when Aaroniero came dashing into the room. As usual, Nnoitra was playing as Luigi and Yammy was playing as Rosalina. Starrk and Barragan had already left to go bowling with Tesla, Loly, Menoly and Harribel's fraccions downstairs.

"Hey, guys, listen to this! I found out about the last challenge!!" Aaroniero exclaimed, "Orihime has been kidnapped by Wonderweiss, and whoever finds her first will be the victor!"

Nnoitra threw his Wii Remote into the TV, causing it to shatter in an explosion of glass and electric wiring. "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!!!"

Aaroniero nodded.

Yammy yawned into his hand, obviously uninterested. "Do you have any idea WHERE they are...?" he asked.

"Of course not! Hell, I sometimes forget where my own room is..." Aaroniero admitted without a trace of shame on either of his two faces.

"Hee hee hee..." Nnoitra's lips curled upwards into a wicked smile, "I just had a rather clever idea...we, the losers, shall locate and rescue Orihime first, which will result in NO ONE winning! How about that?!"

Yammy shrugged. "Meh. I got nothing else to do today...plus, I hate bowling."

"I'm game." Aaroniero replied.

Nnoitra kicked over the coffee table, stood up, and struck an extravagant pose. "LET US GO, THEN!!!" he proclaimed.

"...Go where?" Yammy asked.

"Go and find Orihime, you moron!"

"Where will we find her?"

"I dunno...that's why we gotta look!!"

"Look where?"

Nnoitra was about to reply, but then he sighed. "God, you're so stupid..."

"WHAT?!! WHAT?!! WHAT?!!"

* * *

_Meanwhile...somewhere in the Southern part of Las Noches..._

"YO! ORIHIME!!! COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE! I GOT YA A DOGGY BISCUIT! ...YOU LIKE THOSE, RIGHT?!"

Ulquiorra rolled his eyes in Grimmjow's direction. "Do you really think she'll just simply appear if you yell those degrading things, Grimmjow?"

"Ah, shut up, ya feminist!" Grimmjow spat back, "I still don't see why that damn fox-faced bastard made us pair up in groups of two..."

"It's so that whichever group finds her first will be forced to fight one another for her...except in Harribel's case, since her partner Tousen is only interested in getting back Wonderweiss..."

"What a load of shit...that bitch is just getting special treatment because she's one of the top 3 Espada!!"

"I'm just as upset about it as you are, believe it or not," Ulquiorra dryly admitted, "If I could just show Aizen-sama my hidden Resurrección: Segunda Etapa form, I would definitely be moved up to the 2nd rank, or even the 1st!"

"...You have a second Resurrección?" Grimmjow replied, looking slightly bewildered.

Ulquiorra paused for a moment. "Uh...no. No, I don't."

"But you just said-"

"I didn't say anything."

"You-"

"Be quiet, Grimmjow."

"..........................................What's a Segunda Etapa-"

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH...OR I'LL SEAL IT WITH MY SPECIAL HOMEMADE ADHESIVE."

Grimmjow said nothing more after that.

* * *

_On the Western side of Las Noches..._

"Come on, Szayel! We'll lose if you don't pull your own weight...!" Zommari called out from the other end of the five-mile-long hallway. Szayel was less than halfway across the hall, and yet he was already almost out of breath. It wasn't his fault that his damn partner happened to be one of the fastest of the Espada. Even the afterimages Zommari left behind in his speedy wake were cheering the pink-haired arrancar on.

"YOU CAN DO IT, STEVEN!" Zommari afterimage #1 cheered.

"YEAH! GO, STEVEN!!" Zommari afterimage #2 cried.

"NEVER CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN, STEVEN!" Zommari afterimage #3 advised.

Zommari afterimage #4 appeared to be deep in thought. "...Wait, who's Steven?"

"I dunno! I thought you knew!!" Zommari afterimage #5 shrugged.

"You son of a bitch!!!" Zommari afterimage #1 screamed at Zommari afterimage #5, "You LIED to me...!!!"

"OH MY GOD!!!"

Szayel sighed as he watched the five Zommari mirages begin to savagely beat each other. They could never seem to get along.

* * *

_On the Eastern side of Las Noches..._

"So," Harribel asked as she and Tousen ran side by side, "You're blind?"

Tousen nodded. "Yes...I am. Please do not talk to me any further until we locate Orihime and Wonderweiss. I do not like your voice."

Harribel glanced down at her massive breasts. "It's okay, now...you don't need to hide your true size anymore...no one's watching you here..." she whispered to them.

Her breasts then grew outwards by at least 3 centimeters.

"Ah, yeah...that feels good...!"


	17. Searching For Hime Part 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: Due to a painful lack of inspiration lately, updates may possibly be now more far apart than simply every day or every other day. It'll get updated when it gets updated, is basically what I'm saying.

Also...I'm very surprised that so few people chose 'No' on the girlfriend poll up on my profile. I mean, c'mon...this is ME we're talking about here.

By the way, I repeat certain lines in this chapter ON PURPOSE.

* * *

Aizen was just finishing up a hearty breakfast of eggs and bacon as Gin explained to him the rules he had created for the final challenge.

"Ah...it's a search and rescue kinda thing, huh?" The leader of Las Noches asked.

Gin nodded.

"Your princess is in another castle? Like that?"

Gin nodded again.

Aizen slammed his coffee cup down on the table; the words 'HUECO MUNDO'S BEST DAD' were clearly visible on its side.

"That actually sounds rather interesting," he said, "Say...why don't we join in on the fun?"

"What?" Had Gin's eyes been open, he would have probably blinked to express his confusion.

Aizen chuckled deviously. "We'll go and search for Orihime, too! If we find her first, then I will be the victor of this competition!!"

"...What about me, Aizen-sama? Don't I get anything?"

"No." Aizen smiled back at his fox-faced comrade, who simply sighed in disappointment. After dropping their dishes in the sink, the two ex-Shinigami quickly dashed off to look for the girl...

* * *

Grimmjow glanced once to the right, then once to the left. He knelt down, pressed his face into the tiled floor, and breathed in deeply. The gravel and dust filled his nostrils, sending cold shivers crawling up and down his spinal cord. Every nerve in his body went numb as waves of pleasure filled his soul. He caught the faint scent of Orihime's orthopedic shoes in the ground. His instincts were telling him to take a right turn at the end of the hallway.

"...I thought you were a cat, not a dog," Ulquiorra dully remarked as Grimmjow stood back up. Grimmjow tossed a haughty smirk in the Cuatro Espada's direction.

"Jealous much?"

"Not really. I am impressed at how you can make sniffing the ground look like you're snorting cocaine, though..."

Grimmjow pumped a fist in the air. "Yeah, I know; it's a special technique of mine...! I'll snort up anything that's given to me, whether it's supposed to go up my nose or not...because I'm special."

"It wasn't intended to be a compliment, you dimwit," Ulquiorra grumbled.

"In any case," Grimmjow continued as he began to walk, "We should be arriving at Orihime's location soon enough...it won't be long now..."

Suddenly, as Ulquiorra began to follow after him, he heard something that resembled a cry. Orihime's cry, to be more specific. It was coming from behind the wall right next to them. Ulquiorra instantly knew what he had to do.

"...Cero..."

* * *

"I got it! I finally got it!"" Yammy exclaimed, clapping his hands together, "Ben Stiller! Ben Stiller should play as you in the live-action movie!! Or...or some guy with a weird, thick accent! Either of those would work best!"

"Will you shut the fuck up?! That damn joke ended a while ago, you moron!!" Nnoitra snapped back. The three of them (Aaroniero still included) had been wandering around Las Noches without even the faintest idea of Orihime's location. They were basically basing their entire search on sheer luck alone. Things were starting to get rather tense between the arrancar.

"Hey! Don't yell at me!!" Yammy boomed furiously, "At least I don't spend every night crying myself to sleep over having killed the dumb slut I actually loved instead of hated...!!"

"You bastard, you don't know Neliel like I did! I was confused about my emotions at the time, and I mistook my sweet, passionate love for her as a deep, burning hatred fueled by an extreme case of sexism! There's no fucking way I could ever forgive myself for having turned her into a child!! Don't you dare soil her beautiful name with your foul tongue!!!" Nnoitra cried with tears in his eyes, and he pounced onto the much larger Espada. Aaroneiro slapped his hand against his container; he was really growing tired of their constant bickering.

"BASTARD!!!"

"FAGGOT!!!"

"WORM-EATER!!!"

"SPOONHEAD!!!"

"...You think I'm a spoonhead?"

"Yeah..."

"SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Suddenly, Aaroniero heard what resembled a loud cry. Orihime's cry, to be more specific. It was coming from behind the wall. A well-placed Cero would knock down this wall in an instant...

* * *

Szayel was smoking one of his menthol cigarettes after that long run when he noticed something. It sounded like a loud cry. Orihime's cry, to be more specific.

"Did you hear that?"

Zommari glanced up from his half-eaten slice of pumpkin pie and shrugged. "I dunno. What're you talking about?"

"Listen."

Zommari listened for a few seconds, and his eyes grew wide. "That was...Orihime's voice!!" he gasped.

"That's right! And it's coming from behind that wall! Blow it down, so that we may find her!!!" Szayel said, pointing at the wall directly behind Zommari. The sole black Espada quickly threw his delicious, baked dessert to the floor, and immediately prepared a Cero blast to knock down the wall...

* * *

"Ah, yes, Harribel...you can stop talking to your boobs now. I've finally figured out where Wonderweiss has taken Orihime..."

"What? Really? Where...?!"

"It's right...in...here!!!"

With a powerful swing of his foot, Tousen kicked down the door, filling Wonderweiss' darkened room with searing beams of light. At that same exact moment, the walls surrounding them exploded in a magnificant blaze of fire and lasers as the remaining Espada charged in through the smoke. Nnoitra, Yammy and Aaroniero were there, too. They had all located Orihime and Wonderweiss at the exact same time...

...but they were never prepared for what they saw in there.


	18. Crushing On Hime Finale 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: Well, this story seems to be drawing near a conclusion. Only one more chapter is left after this one. It will be the "epilogue" and it will also reveal just who it is that Orihime chooses.

Anyway, enjoy the second-to-last chapter...!! It goes by pretty quick, though, since not much can happen now without totally spoiling the ending...

As of this moment, Aizen and Gin had lost before they even had a chance...poor little mofos...

* * *

"What the hell?!!" Grimmjow exclaimed, his face pale.

"..." Ulquiorra was speechless.

"Holy fuck!!" Nnoita cried.

"Oh...oh my god!!" Szayel gasped.

"This is...this is...!!" Zommari stuttered.

"My eyes!! My eyes!!!" Yammy wailed, burying his face in his hands.

"No way..." Harribel was shaking all over, and her eyes were glistening with tears.

"What's going on?! What's going on?! I can't see!!" Tousen boomed.

"...I certainly wasn't expecting this..." Aaroniero muttered.

The reason for their shock and dismay was probably the last thing they ever expected to see. Wonderweiss was in the middle of straightening out the hem of his beautiful white wedding gown, while Orihime was making sure the red tie of her tuxedo wasn't too tight around her neck. They were getting ready to be married...except they had decided to wear the opposite attire. Most likely just for kicks.

Wonderweiss tossed a hateful glare at a rather repulsed Grimmjow. "What? I'm not the first arrancar to want to put on a dress, okay?! Stop looking at me like that...!!!"

"Oh! Is that Wonderweiss?! I sense his spiritual presence, but that voice I just heard was definitely not his...was it?" Tousen suddenly interjected.

As if on cue, Wonderweiss immediately reverted to his original autistic state of mind. "Ah...ohh...ohh...ahhgah! Daddy Tousen...ovah he-ah...!! I'm ovah he-ah!"

"Yay!" Tousen ran over and pulled the blonde boy into a bone-crushing hug.

Orihime raised an eyebrow in surprise; apparently, Wonderweiss kept his true, manipulative German personality a secret from his blind surrogate father. He was so desperate to hide it that he even gave up any possibility of fighting back the moment he saw Tousen. Judging from the looks on the Espada's faces, they hadn't known about it either. It took a few seconds before anyone dared to make a move. Tousen and Wonderweiss quickly warped away.

"Well," Grimmjow shrugged his broad shoulders as he approached the human girl, "It looks like I made it here first, so I win..."

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!!!" Szayel pressed his palms tightly against his grimy cheeks, and shouted, "For your information, cat-boy, I made it here first! The co-co-coconuts bitch is mine!"

"Hey! I arrived at this location at the same exact time as you!! I deserve just as much as you...hell, I deserve even more because I'm a higher rank!" Zommari pointed out.

Ulquiorra stepped forward, and coughed gently into his fist. "I believe the winner...is me,"

"NO!!!" Harribel's breasts had grown so large now that they were beginning to sag, "I SIMPLY CANNOT ACCEPT THINGS LIKE THIS!!! I SIMPLY CANNOT!!! I LET MY BREASTS GROW BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL SIZE JUST SO I COULD TRY TO IMPRESS HER!!! GIVE ME SOME CREDIT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!"

Yammy stared lustfully at Harribel's ever-expanding bosom. "Hmm...those are some tig ol' bitties..."

"Although we were officially kicked out of this Aizenforsaken competition, we still made it here before all of you...so she's MINE!!" Nnoitra remarked hastily, and he reached one long arm out to Orihime, who inched away in fear. Aaroniero had already walked away, knowing full well he was never going to be the victor here. He liked little girls with black hair and ice-based Zanpakuto, anyway.

"She's mine!"

"No, she's mine...!"

"I am the one who will have her!"

"Silence, you idiots! Obviously, I am the one she loves most!"

"SHE'S MINE, AND THAT'S THAT!!"

"ROW, ROW, FIGHT THE POWAH!!!"

Orihime couldn't take it anymore. She was sick and tired of being treated like some sort of sexual object. It was bad enough she was so useless, but now everyone wanted to get in her pants?! Enough was enough!

"Umm...everyone?! I have...uh...I have something important I need to say!!" The orange-haired human girl hesitantly announced, and the Espada instantly shut their mouths. Orihime was beginning to feel more than a little nervous, what with all of these horny young arrancar staring down at her. Harribel's gaze was especially menacing.

Orihime nervously drummed her fingers together as she tried to form the words. "W-Well...Wonderweiss explained to me earlier what this competition of yours is all about, and frankly, I am appalled that you would all treat me in such a materialistic manner! I mean...how many of you actually like me for me, and not just my body?"

Only Ulquiorra, Harribel and Zommari raised their hands.

"That's what I'm saying; you can't simply convince yourself that you're in love with me just because you like my big breasts or my firm ass or my slim thighs. True love is about two people genuinely caring about one another, and wanting nothing more than for their significant other to be happy. You can't simply win me in a game and expect me to be happy about it, because I most certainly will not. This as much as I can remember from what I read on Wikipedia about love, combined with stuff I made up in my head. Anyway, what I want to do right now will finally bring an end to this entire charade once and for all. I will say exactly who it is that I hold dearest to my heart...I will tell you all the name of the person I love," Orihime's pale cheeks flushed a bright shade of red as she said this. All eyes were upon her at that very moment; whatever she was going to say next would definitely change the lives of the Espada forever.

Ulquiorra closed his eyes.

Grimmjow gulped.

Nnoitra's teeth began to clatter loudly.

Harribel clutched her massive boobs close to her chest, fearing her heart might burst out at any second.

Yammy licked his lips hungrily, wondering what he should have for dinner tonight.

Szayel tapped the bridge of his nose.

Zommari remained still.

Aizen and Gin stepped into the room, realized they were too late, and immediately stepped right back out.

Orihime sighed. "The person I love is..."

* * *

A/N 2: I fucking loved Bleach 230 so much that I think I'll actually watch this arc...now I gotta make some smutty Haineko X Zabimaru crap or something to go with it...


	19. Crushing On Hime THE CONCLUSION

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: Okay, then...it's the final chapter, people...

...How many of you saw this conclusion coming? I mean, I had this whole shit planned out from the fucking beginning, for crying out loud...GODDAMMIT, WHAT THE HELL?!! IT'S TOTALLY SHORTER THAN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER!!! Please deal with it. :P

The pairings shown in this chapter do not reflect my personal preferences. I just wanted to let ya know...okay?

* * *

Starrk heaved a powerful sigh as he entered the bar that evening. It had been three weeks since Orihime pronounced her true love, and the other Espada were still drowning their seemingly bottomless sorrows in beer and hors d'oeuvres. Harribel's breasts had finally shrunk back to a more acceptable size, and Grimmjow was lying on the floor with a lamp shade over his head. Ulquiorra had his face buried deep in his arms, Yammy was staring off into the distance, Nnoitra was humming to himself, Zommari was busy praying to Aizen-sama, Szayel was nibbling on Verona's arm, and Wonderweiss was scribbling down poetry in a tiny black book.

"Are you guys STILL moping about it...?!" The Primera Espada exclaimed in disbelief.

"You don't understand just how difficult it is to get over the fact that the woman you hold dearest to your heart doesn't love you back..." Ulquiorra dryly replied.

Starrk shrugged. "Yeah, I suppose I don't...I lost interest in the girl after I was booted out of the competition, anyway..."

"IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!" Grimmjow wailed in an unnaturally high voice.

"I gave that bitch...the best three days of my life!" Szayel grumbled, spitting a large chunk of Verona's right lung onto the floor. His eyes were glazed over, a combination of alcohol and rage clouding his senses. The other arrancar were in similar, downtrodden states, or so it appeared. Actually, it seemed that only Harribel was not totally bummed out by being rejected by Orihime. It was probably due to the fact that she had a date in Karakura Town tonight with a certain bespectacled teenage lesbian.

"Every time I close my eyes, I see her beautiful, smiling face on the inside of my eyelids..." Yammy sadly mused.

Zommari walked away from the half-eaten crocodile carcass, having just finished his daily sacrifice to Aizen-sama. "I locked myself up in my room and played SOAD at full volume for ten hours straight after her confession...most particularly Aerials, Johnny and BYOB...and maybe a little Lost in Hollywood too..." he admitted without any shame.

"Pussy-ass bitches, all of you!" Nnoitra snarled, "I didn't shed even a single fucking tear when she told us the truth...!! Hell, I was fucking relieved, because now I won't have to look at her pig-ugly mug ever again!!"

Szayel scoffed in a displeasing way. "Yeah, but you still wept like a baby over Nel last night...you sadistic, hypocritical son of a bitch..."

"SHUT UP, YOU-!!"

"Bah! Children, all of you!!" Barragan made as loud of an entrance as he could upon lumbering into the bar. Unlike usual, his ever-devoted fraccion were nowhere to be seen. Aaroniero did sneak in on his own a few seconds later, though. He always liked to help himself to a martini after dinner.

"Oh, uh...hey," Starrk muttered, calmly stepping out of the way for the self-proclaimed king.

Barragan slammed one mighty fist upon the wooden counter, and barked, "YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES, I SAY!!! DON'T BROOD OVER THE FACT THAT YOU'VE BEEN REJECTED; YOU SHOULD BE TAKING THAT SAD EVENT IN YOUR LIFE AND USING IT TO MAKE YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY STRONGER!! THAT'S WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DONE...AND I'VE DONE IT ALOT!"

Starrk was speechless for a moment. The old geezer actually made a pretty good point, he noticed.

Ulquiorra brought a hand to his face, and sighed into it. "I wish I could, but...but I had known all along about who it was she actually loved the most, and yet I had somehow convinced myself that it was all just a lie..."

Grimmjow sat up, his face contorted with fury. "WHAT THE HELL...YOU KNEW ALL ALONG?!!" he roared, "YOU KNEW ALL ALONG THAT SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH ICHIGO KUROSAKI, AND NOT ANY OF US?!!!"

Ulquiorra nodded.

"YOU SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!!!" Grimmjow let out a mighty scream as he pounced onto Ulquiorra, with full intent to scratch the gothic bastard's eyes out. This was a foolish endeavor, as Ulquiorra was still two ranks higher than him, so Grimmjow was soon knocked unconscious to the floor. The other Espada were just as unhappy about this sudden revelation.

"Ulquiorra...if you had just said something in the first place, none of us would have had to go and suffer such intense heartbreak!!" Yammy chided his former teammate. "I mean...I put on a SUIT, for crying out loud!"

"I TOLD HER NOT TO BE A RACIST BECAUSE OF YOU!!" Zommari looked like he had just been told he had terminal cancer.

Szayel, Nnoitra and Harribel did not having anything to say regarding this. Neither did Starrk or Barragan. Wonderweiss had already left.

Aizen and Gin were playing Wii Resort.

**THUS, THE WINNER OF THIS LONG-WINDED COMPETITION TO OBTAIN INOUE ORIHIME'S LOVE AND AFFECTION...IS ICHIGO KUROSAKI. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY, AND DRIVE HOME SAFELY!!**


	20. Short Bonus Chapter 1 Harribel X Chizuru

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: A series of incredibly short bonus chapters...WHAT?!

* * *

**BONUS EPILOGUE CHAPTER 1: HARRIBEL X CHIZURU**

"You know...I don't think I've ever seen you around Karakura Town before," Chizuru Honsho remarked as she and her much older date entered the small, rural diner together that evening. Her blind date, Tia Harribel, was decked out in rather festive clothing, despite it being the middle of July. She wore a dark-green sweatshirt that clung tightly to her curvy body, and a series of brightly-covered scarves completely covered the bottom half of her face. No matter which way you looked at her, she was incredibly beautiful.

Although she was trying her best at making small talk with the eerily quiet Harribel, Chizuru's dark-grey eyes would constantly find themselves drawn to the blonde's impressive rack. Never in her life had Chizuru imagined she would find a pair of tits even greater than her darling Orihime's, but here they were, right in front of her. Every nerve in her body was screaming for her to fondle those boobies like she's never fondled anything before. However, contradictory to her usual personality, Chizuru held herself back. She didn't want to ruin yet ANOTHER blind date by letting her emotions run rampant again.

"Yes, I just...moved to this town recently," Harribel had planned out her entire 'life story' ahead of time, "The first thing I did was set up an account on one of those match-making sites, since I was eager to start anew after getting out of a particularly bad relationship. I'm still a bit surprised that such a young, beautiful girl would agree to go out with a dirty old pedophile like me, though..."

Chizuru giggled. "I have a bit of fetish for older women anyway, so it's no problem at all that you happen to be an adult! I also have had alot of experience dealing with pedophiles in the past, so I kinda know how they think...my mom happens to be a former one!"

Harribel smiled inwardly to herself. This girl may not be as 'endowed' as Orihime, but she was certainly alot more entertaining.

'God...I can't wait to force her onto the bed and make sweet, sweet love to her virgin body...keh heh heh heh heh...'

That was what Chizuru was thinking.


	21. Short Bonus Chapter 2 Nnoitra and Tesla

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: Not every bonus epilogue chapter features a pairing/pairing implication...only the first two do.

Man, this took a long time to write...I'm just so not into writing this summer...

* * *

**BONUS EPILOGUE CHAPTER 2: NNOITRA X TESLA **

It was almost midnight in Las Noches (it still looked the same outside, though), and Nnoitra had yet to get even a wink of sleep. He was thinking about Neliel again, like he did every night. He just couldn't forgive himself for having killed the woman he thought he hated, but actually loved more than anyone else in the whole world. The bed creaked slightly underneath his weight as he rolled over onto his side. Nnoitra had never expected being the strongest would take such a toll on his dwindling mental state.

His brooding came to an abrupt end, however, when Nnoitra suddenly heard a knock on the door a few seconds later. Sitting up, the Quinto Espada's single eye glared intensely at the door's backside, waiting for the visitor to actually identify him or herself. There was a slight coughing sound, and then a familiar voice called out to him:

"Nnoitra-sama...it's me, Tesla. Please let me come in. I need to talk to you..."

Nnoitra sighed in relief. "...Enter already."

The door sidled open, and although it was too dark to easily see the fraccion, Nnoitra recognized the peach-scented perfume Tesla always wore. There was a long, tense silence between them. For some reason, Tesla was wearing a long, light-green wig, and shoddy, old attire that Neliel used to wear. Just like the perfume, he was doing this solely to impress his beloved Nnoitra-sama.

A light blush formed on Tesla's cheeks as he stepped a little bit closer. "...Nnoitra-sama...I'm not mad at you anymore for what you did...in fact, I feel flattered...but now I just...I just want to be the 'Neliel' in your heart...I want to love you..."

"...Tesla...you...you..." Nnoitra's eyes began to water. He was struggling so hard to form the words he wanted to say.

"...Yes?"

"YOU CAN'T REPLACE SOMEONE WHO HAD FRICKIN' HUGE TITTIES WITH YOUR LIMP LITTLE BEANSTICK." Nnoitra buried himself back underneath the covers, leaving poor Tesla feeling dejected and bewildered.


	22. Short Bonus Chapter 3 Zommari and Szayel

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

A/N: This one was pretty short...

* * *

**BONUS EPILOGUE CHAPTER 3: SZAYEL AND ZOMMARI**

After having suffered terrible heartbreak at the wonderfully manicured hands of Inoue Orihime, Szayel and Zommari began to grow rather close, almost enough to be considered best friends of sorts. They would have dinner together, they would play golf together, they would laugh maniacally together, and they even complimented each other every now and then.

"You da man, Zommari!" Szayel exclaimed one night while heavily drunk.

Zommari, who was also rather tipsy, let out a soft chuckle. "No! You the man!"

"Nuh-uh! You da man!" Szayel snapped back, his blood-shot eyes rolling about in different directions.

"Sorry, but you're the man!"

"No, You da man!"

"You're the man!"

"You da man!"

"You're the man!"

"You da man!"

"You're the man, I said!"

"You da man!"

"You're the man!"

"You da man!!"

Unable to listen to the pink-haired Espada's arguing with him any further, Zommari grabbed him by the shoulders, and hissed into his ear, "Listen to me! You're the man, Szayel...deal with it."

"...Fine," Szayel sighed. He didn't really want to be the man; he always considered himself to be rather feminine-looking, anyway.


End file.
